April 13 2019
My Life Is A Conflict of Interests
March has been a very busy month with selling a couple of paintings, bookings for shows and recording my summer time noodles, I Find Peace In My Garden. At the moment it seems my life has developed a deep conflict within itself, my day job a stark contrast from my real career within the arts. More often than not on my commute to my day job I experience friction and irritation deep within my being. I feel as though I’m wasting eight hours a day on meaningless labour to pay the bills. More often than not I grit my teeth against mind numbing boredom my mind growing dark and hostile against the annoying corporate shoes I have to wear during the day. More often that not I look around me and witness the life being sucked out of my coworkers. At some point they go on autopilot and in a zombie like state watch the clock waiting until 4pm to bolt out the door as fast as their feet can take them. More and more I find I’m choking on the corporate culture and what seems like propaganda and bullshit of team work and doing what’s best for the company, in my mind make the rich richer and to the hell with the people at the bottom of the food chain, environmental and social accountability. With each passing day I’m losing a connection with my day job, a growing sense of deep dissatisfaction with it, and with this sense of dissatisfaction, a strong force causing me to look hard at my relationship with my day job. Spending forty hours a week bored out of my mind, frustrated and feeling no connection with the life and culture around me. I question, the value of regular pay cheques and a false sense of security, against the internal screaming that goes on nonstop while I grind away the seconds, minutes, hours, days and years at my day job.
When I walk through the employee entrance every morning, every day, minute by minute, all the fibers of my soul, body and spirit are screaming at me to get the hell out, walk away and never, ever look back. I know exactly where I want to go in life and I know its going to take a shit load of courage, strength and stamina to get there. Ignore the nay sayers and say “fuck it, it’s time to go, I’m outta here, I’m done with the deep spiritual deficit I’ve been running for most of my life.”
Until then, I’ll keep a look out for that elusive path I get a glimpse of and try to get a firm grip and foot hold on it.